What can I do about a coworker who constantly demeans me?

Dear Katherine and Kathi,
I work with a woman who loves to point out mistakes and always wants to be in charge.

This coworker is a back stabber – although she constantly picks, she’s very friendly to my face. She once told me that my boss didn’t want me in my current position because I wasn't qualified.

She has been such a problem for me that I was admitted to the hospital a year ago with symptoms of a heart attack. It turns out it was anxiety. I can’t go to my boss because she and my coworker are very friendly. What do I do? I can't leave in this economy but I feel….

Stuck and Stressed

Dear Stuck and Stressed,
So sorry to hear about your stressful situation. With this kind of person, you have to practice the advanced unhooking process which we call the four D's in our book Working With You is Killing Me.

You have to Detect, Detach, Depersonalize and Deal.

Detect that you are working with a passive-aggressive saboteur. She is someone who makes it her business to do things in front of you and behind your back to make you feel insecure. She is probably not that competent herself and feels that the only way to look good to others is to make you feel bad about yourself.

Detach means accepting that you are not going to change this person. Nothing you do or say is going to turn her into a kind, honest individual. That said, you need to move onto the third D.

Depersonalize. This is the most difficult because it means not taking her behavior personally. You are not the first person she's bullied and you won't be the last. You did not cause her to be this way. She will find another target after you and for years to come.

With all this in mind, you can turn to Deal. That means devising a plan to take back control. The best way to do this with this person is to act completely immune to her criticisms. If she says something demeaning, you just let it roll off your back, and you act as if you are confident and secure. Nothing will bother her more than NOT upsetting you.

Finally, don't forget to document everything you do and every conversation you have with this person so that, if she does try to make you look bad, you have evidence to support your side of the story.

Please check out our chapter on “Fatal Attractions in the Workplace” in Working With You Is Killing Me. I know this isn't easy, but you can take back control if you practice the 4 D's and find other places to shine.

Katherine and Kathi

Katherine Crowley and Kathi Elster are the authors of Working With You Is Killing Me [2]. As a psychotherapist (Katherine) and a management consultant (Kathie), together they’ve developed a method for dealing with difficult people and challenging conditions at work that transforms the way businesses uncover and resolve their greatest interpersonal dilemmas.

Their company, K Squared Enterprises, has assisted individuals at every level of employment – from executives to managers to frontline employees.